This week as you might all know is mental health week and I just thought I’d put my honest mental health journey out there so that if you’re struggling it helps you. I had never struggled with mental health before 2014 which is weird considering you’d think my parents splitting up in what I can only describe as not a clean split would have had more of an impact followed by a boy that I was dating then was continually cheating on me more times than I could count & a group of girls who decided it would be fun to make my life the living hell but nope I coped with all that fine apart from a few years of under eating and being a size 6 (yep I know you wouldn’t think it now ;))
shortly after I met William, I’ve been besotted ever since & I’ve gone up about four dress sizes 😉
My mental health journey started the day Rue was born and my gosh isn’t that just the hardest & worst thing to say but it’s true, straight after I struggled to cope with life, sleeping, anxiety – the bond between us wasn’t instinct it took some working at but in no way did I push him away. It felt like a really dark time and it took me a good year to feel like I was back in control, getting back to work full time helped and then when I was ready I dropped my hours and got to have a day off a week with Rue.
Things were steady for a long long time and even during my whole pregnancy with Ridley there was nothing, I don’t know if I managed to control myself from panicking or having an relapse (might be a bit strong word but I can’t think of another) and even after the birth nothing happened, honestly I was waiting for those old feelings to work their way back in but nothing! My nine months off with Ridley, recovering from an operation, adjusting to life with two babies, being a full time mum to two babs, moving house – none of this set me off.
When I came back to work and the juggling of a whole new path of my life set me back and made me feel like I couldn’t quite breathe. And rightly so there’s a lot on my shoulders, I’m the main earner & I’m always going to be, I’m a mama that has to juggle being there for my boys when they need me whilst trying to work and well I could go on and on but you know.
Sometimes seeing or hearing something can trigger an old feeling but it tends to past straight away. Lately my anxiety has been back and at one point the other day it all got too much, I know my limit, I know when I need to talk to someone (I’m lucky I have the best support from my husband, my ma, my dear friend Josie listens to me endlessly and reassures me) sometimes that’s all I need is reassurance and then I calm down.
I’ve been feeling this ‘social’ pressure lately as I put it ‘keeping up with the Jones’ and its really knocked me, again I’m open to sharing and I have the best network of people (WM is always so so grounded & so easy going that I need to try & be more like him) I need to remember that I’m my own person & we’re are own family and it doesn’t matter what others are doing as long as I’m doing right by my family that’s all that matters. Hopefully I’m not alone in feeling this ‘social/life pressure’?
So that’s my journey – it may not be much compared to other peoples but to me at times it has felt too much.